


Querencia

by billspilledquill



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: A Vent Fic, Biphobia, Bisexuality, Coming Out, F/M, Gen, Hamilton's Father Is Here For Once, Homophobia, LGBT+, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 03:45:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10958964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/billspilledquill/pseuds/billspilledquill
Summary: Hamilton looked at himself in the mirror, nothing changed, his eyes still having one with that uneven upper eyelid, small and larger freckles spread on his face under the bathroom light, lips pale and thin and those dark circles had married him even before Eliza was in his life.Nothing changed. Nothing special. No monster in him.He smiled at the glass and whispered, "Alexander."Nothing but Alexander Hamilton, staring at a blurry mirror.





	Querencia

 

 

The first time he found himself staring at a boy, he wasn't frightened.

He caught himself staring at the boy sitting beside him, heart pounding with the rhythms of his name, resisting the feeling of self-hatred and disgust, he turned his gaze to the wall on the other side, trying to stop the rushing heat on his cheeks and his sweat overwhelmed him.

He had wondered, before, if he were any kind of bisexual; he had found on Tumblr some posts about sexualities highlighting when he was publishing essays about debts and governmental agencies that occurred to it. Kids these days should learn more about this than whether someone was heterosexual or not.

Hamilton wasn't exactly surprised, and the feeling of bile rising in his chest wasn't direct toward the gender of the person, mostly because it was Thomas Jefferson _of all people_ — the arrogant, skeptical, _racist_ southerner—

(He wasn't going to admit that he probably held these nice qualities too.)

And somehow he was a little proud of this discovery, and surely it wouldn't hurt if he reblogged that infamous post _if you are a part of LGBT+_ _or a supporter please reblog_ with a smug smirk on his face.

_That makes two._

He would never ask Jefferson out for all he have, but he thought he should thanks him for some obscure reason, so that day, he ran out of school when the bell rang, and returned with a sweaty forehead and a wholehearted laugh. Jefferson looked like he wanted to punch him in the face.

So when Hamilton put a delivery of mac and cheese on Jefferson's desk, his eyes widened and asked if it was poisoned. He ate it anyway.

It was a good day.

 

 

 

 

When he came out, it wasn't too much special of a task like he had anticipated.

It was pretty random, banal words— _by the way, man, I'm bi_ —and the answer was mostly just a shrug of some kind, and sometimes a _that's great man_ or just a _okay_ as if it was nothing.

He smiled as he remembered that it _is nothing._

Eliza handled it perfectly well, joking about that time when he wasn't dating her and staring at Jefferson all the fucking time and he blushed and hugged her saying that immature crush was gone and softly scolded her for it. She laughed harder and kissed him. He loved her.

Laurens was particularly enthusiastic for the news, saying that he was finally not the only one in the community, "C'mon, Alex! Fucking finally! I know I wasn't the only one loving the color rainbow!" He rubbed his cheeks on his, "I love you, you little gay shit."

Hamilton corrected him afterwards that he was bi, and Laurens just groaned, "It's in the _rainbow_ , Alex! Read the fucking constitution!" He wondered there was any constitutional laws in LGBT community.

Angelica just lifted his chin with a finger, looking at his neck left and right and nodded in approval, "Yes, bi is in your veins, Alexander. I can confirm." She was a lawyer, not a doctor, but he was a bit scared to point that out, so he just laughed and accepted her congratulations.

Washington just looked at him severely with a frown and asked him to sit down, "I think it's time for you to know Alexander, that when you like someone, you want to give that person a special hug—" As Washington pulled out _the fucking talk_ , Hamilton knew that it was too late to run.

He didn't want to remember Washington's choosing words for bending positions and penetration.

Hamilton looked at himself in the mirror, nothing changed, his eyes still having one with that uneven upper eyelid, small and larger freckles spread on his face under the bathroom light, lips pale and thin and those dark circles had married him before Eliza was in his life.

Nothing changed. Nothing special. No monsters in him.

He smiled at the glass and whispered, " _Alexander_."

Nothing but Alexander Hamilton, staring at a blurry mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

The second time, he came out to his father, and realized maybe that was one of the poor life decisions he made again and again, knowing it was one, but still doing it.

 _A great man is when they make a mistake twice without being guilty_ , he told himself.

He just put that up without exactly thinking through, out of impulsiveness and maybe out of a certain numbness about homophobia in general, "Papa, ya know, I'm bi." Hamilton just shrugged it out. 

_He regret that later._

His father just stared at him warily, without really staring at him and ruffled his hair dismissively, "Alex, do you really know what it is, to _be_ bisexual?"

Maybe he was too young at the time, so he missed his father's repressed anger and retorted, "Of course I know! Papa, I know who I–"

"It's _not_ normal, son." He snapped, looking as if he regretted to start the conversation in the first place. Hamilton's cheeks heated up in frustration, but not shame, _never_ shame.

"Papa—"

"Son." His father's voice rose in authority and Hamilton didn't want to dig the disgust out of there, "Do you just say this because you want to feel special? To make yourself glorified by that– " _openness_ "?" He quoted in the air with his fingers, "You will be like a _whore_ , dating a girl _and_ a boy at the same time? I am sure your friends are disappointed in you, same as me."

Hamilton plainly stared for a second, let out a dry chuckle. Somehow it didn't really hurt, just frustrated, "They are supportive friends, papa, they are not _disappointed_."

He had thought his life would be less drama from those novels about the world turning against him for who he was, who he will be, who he _already is,_ he found himself lucky with his friends, but he never thought for a second that his father would disproved.

He didn't really meet any homophobic person in this town.

His father just rubbed his eyes tiredly, "I am sure they are just hiding this from you."

"I—"

"Alexander. Think of it. God created a man and a woman for what? For _love_." Hamilton snorted, they weren't very religious and like everyone, he only knew some of the Bible's recitations. "This is not normal, Alexander. The media is too open these times."

"So what?" He crossed his arms, "You are going to put in some bullshit therapy with some conservative doctor with even bullshit-er appraisals?" He cleared his throat and changed his voice to a more higher one, " _Aw my poor boy, you just need to inject this and that to make yourself drugged and forget who you are~ You will see, this will be fine._ "

His father's words didn't have any comical tilt in it, "I would, but here gay marriages are allowed here."

It scared him how he sounded like he was _disappointed_.

He signed, "It's all my fault, Alex. I told you to stay of girls' way when you were little. Being a gentleman and being gay _is not the same thing_ , son." The shadows in his eyes claimed that he really meant it. And Hamilton didn't know how to do with the guilt in his eyes.

"Papa, I am bi." He corrected before his father can interfere, "And it's not your fault." _It is not a mistake, either. It never was._

His father stopped talking, as if mourning for his son's mistake, and his own. He looked about to cry. And Hamilton just stood there, without really know if he should be angry or just pity him.

"It's not your fault." He repeated, "I am just... bi." He inhaled and exhaled in exhaustion, "You can search for this in the web. It's easy and maybe you could understand more about—"

"I don't want to know a goddamn thing about _this_!" Came his muffled voice so Hamilton choose to leave him alone.

"Papa, it's really not your fault. Don't put this on you." He whispered out before closing the door.

When he stared at the dark ceiling and the empty house, Hamilton sighed, not feeling hurt but either of a feeling of defeat. He wanted his father to understand, maybe asking for support was too much, but understanding would not be much to ask... _right?_

_Because we were told since we are little to have a princess by your side._

_She had to be beautiful, smooth skin and big blue eyes._

_Because we were asked to demand his friends if they had girlfriends, like this was the only thing that mattered, like this was the only choice they have._

_She had to be beautiful, smooth skin and big blue eyes._

_Because we were told that a man should be brave and kill dragons. We have to rescue princess out of lava, as if she can't do anything but waiting for a man. A man. A man with armor and blond hair._

_And she had to be beautiful, smooth skin and big blue eyes._

He closed his eyes and let himself drown into his father's light cries.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Show your points. Love yourself. Don't ever back up from who you are. You are loved, treasured, respected.
> 
> Stay safe.


End file.
